Jokes – all

(R) for jokes that work better when reading it than hearing it.

  • “6:30 is the best time on the clock, hands down.”
  • “97% of people are stupid. Thank God I’m in the other 5%.”
  • (R) “A bossy man goes into a bar. He orders everyone a round.
    Orders everyone around
  • (R) “A couple of bulls were smoking weed and playing poker. The steaks were high.”
    The stakes were high.
  • “A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.'”
  • “A history degree is useless. There’s no future in it.”
  • “A man walks into a doctor’s office. What seems to be the problem? Askes the doctor.
    It’s … um… well… I have five penises, replied the man.
    Blimey! Says the doctor, how do your trousers fit?
    Like a glove.”
  • (R) “A man walks into a zoo. The only animal is a dog. It’s a shitzu.”
    A shit zoo!
  • “After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy. Every time I walk by, she says: ‘What an ass!'”
  • “An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do? The husband says, ‘Change the battery in your hearing aid.'”
  • “Apparently I snore so loudly…
    that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.”
  • “Apple started their own clothing line for pirates… Their best seller so far is the iPatch.”
  • “A son asks his dad, ‘Dad, what is it like to be drunk?’ The dad replies, ‘Well son, you see those two cars ahead of you. A drunk man would see four of them.’ To that, the son replies, ‘But dad, I can see only one car.'”
  • “A store clerk fought off an armed robber with a labelling gun. Now police are looking for a man with a price on his head.”
  • “A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
  • “At a job interview, I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.
    ‘Nervous?’, asked the interviewer.
    ‘No. I always give 110%'”
  • “At the doctor’s office, the nurse apologized for the long wait. I told her, ‘No problem, I’m patient.”
  • “Bad news… I spilt my Irish coffee on my keyboard. Good news… It’s all under control.”
  • “Banana nut bread is the craziest food. If it ain’t bananas, it’s nuts.”
  • (R) “Bland salad is a problem. It needs addressing.”
  • “Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, be sure to lift your left leg. That way you will start off the new year on the right foot.”
  • (R) “Before we were married, my wife used to clean up my place, and I used to clean hers. Eventually, we realized that we were maid for each other.”
    Made for each other
  • “Can anyone tell me what oblivious means? I have no idea.”
  • “Chris Rock couldn’t figure out why Will Smith was on stage walking his way… and then it hit him.”
  • “Dad, can I eat the cake in the fridge? Sure, but the dining room would probably be more comfortable.”
  • (R) “Dammit, I just burned my Hawaiian pizza. Maybe I should have cooked it on aloha temperature.”
    a lower temperature
  • “Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it. The Opportunist.”
  • (R) “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? No sun.”
    No son
  • “Did you hear about Dolly Parton’s new weight loss coffee? It’s called Joe Lean.”
  • “Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!”
  • “Doctor: Relax, David. It’s just a small surgery, don’t panic. Me: But my name isn’t David. Doctor: I know. I’m David.”
  • “Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean 1 in 5 enjoys it?”
  • (R) “Dogs can’t operate MRI machines. But Catscan.”
    But cats can!
  • “Don’t be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.”
  • “Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.”
  • “Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? Because I do.”
  • “Elon Musk bought Twitter for 43 billion. All I did was just download it for free from the App Store.”
  • “For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me the Most Secretive Guy in the office. I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.”
  • “For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a small picture of me inside a pistachio… Well, that is me in a nutshell.”
  • “Fun fact: ‘sugar’ is the only word in the English language where ‘su-‘ makes a ‘sh’ sound. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s correct.”
  • “Give a man a fish and he will have a meal, teach a man how to fish and he will spend thousands of dollars on fishing equipment.”
  • “Got a parking ticket yesterday. Not sure why. the sign said fine for parking.”
  • “Got an email from Google Earth proudly stating that they can now read maps backwards. I thought to myself, ‘That’s just spam.'”
  • “Got drunk yesterday and threw up in the elevator on my way back home. It was disgusting on so many levels.”
  • “Got home from work today to find my kids have been on ebay all day. If they are still there tomorrow I will lower the price.”
  • “Have you seen the prices of Almonds and Cashews? They’re nuts.”
  • (R) “Hey dad, why do they call it a pretzel? Because it’s knot bread.”
    It’s not bread
  • “How can a room full of married people be empty? Because there’s not a single person there.”
  • (R) “How did the computer hacker escape the police? He just ransomware…”
    Ran somewhere
  • (R) “How do you call a pastry chef who came up with a new recipe for a pie? A Pieoneer.”
  • “How do you make number one disappear? You just add a G and it is gone.”
  • (R) “How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend? Meat Patty”
  • “How does music say goodbye? Audios!”
  • “How is Christmas exactly like your job? You do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.”
  • How long is one minute? It depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.”
  • (R) “I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth. Now when I talk, I have this weird axe scent.
    weird accent
  • “I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles… My next trip to the bathroom could spell ‘disaster’!”
  • (R) “I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. the doctor says I’m fine, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.”
    died a little
  • “I am giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, that came out wrong. I am giving up. Drinking for a month.”
  • “I am so poor. I can’t even pay attention.”
  • “I am trying to convince my dad to get a new hearing aid. But he just won’t listen.”
  • “I always keep my guitar in the car now. It’s good for traffic jams.”
  • “I applied for a job hanging mirrors. It’s something I can see myself doing.”
  • (R) “I asked my friend Sam to sing a song about the iPhone. And then Samsung.”
    then Sam sung
  • “I asked my wife if I am the only one she has ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.”
  • “I asked my wife why she married me. She said: ‘Because you are really funny.’ I said: ‘I thought it was because I’m good in bed.’ She said: ‘See! You’re hilarious.'”
  • “I asked so many people what LQBTQ stands for.
    So far no one has given me a straight answer.”
  • “I bought 75% of shares in a vampire hunting business. I’m the main stakeholder.”
  • “I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but they had me tripping all day.”
  • “I called up my landlord and said: ‘Hey, I gotta leak in my sink.’ He said, ‘Go ahead. I’m not judging.”
  • “I can’t believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician. I was just sitting there doing nothing.”
  • “I can’t believe someone broke into my house and stole all my fruit. I am peachless.”
  • “I entered my son’s room and said: ‘Remember, boy, masturbating can make you go blind.’ ‘I’m over here dad’. He replied.”
  • “I found a coin on the street the other day, and it had teeth marks all over it. It was a Bitcoin.”
  • “I found a monopoly set without instructions. What are the chances?”
  • “I got fired from my set designer job. I left without making a scene.”
  • “I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want any kids. When I got home, they were still there.”
  • “I have the attention of a goldfish. Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.”
  • “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 7 years. I don’t want to interrupt her.”
  • “I joined a gym and said to the trainer, ‘I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?’. He said, ‘Try the ATM outside.'”
  • “I just crashed my new Kia. Now I have Nokia.”
  • “I just figured out why Teslas are so expensive. It’s because they charge a lot.”
  • “I just finished doing a jigsaw puzzle… It only took me two weeks I’m pretty proud of myself because the box said 4 to 7 years!”
  • “I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader. The look on his face was priceless.”
  • “In Britain, they call it a ‘lift’ but Americans call it an ‘elevator’. I guess we’re just raised differently.”
  • “I know loads of jokes about cash machines. I just can’t think of one atm.”
  • “I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!”
  • “I lost three fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said: ‘Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it.'”
  • “I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.”
  • “I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she’s been giving me lately.”
  • “I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.”
  • (R) “I quit my job after my boss started paying me for vegetables. I couldn’t live off of that celery.”
  • “I saw a microbiologist today. He was much bigger than I expected.”
  • “I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.”
  • (R) “I spent 80 dollars on a belt that didn’t fit. My wife said it was a huge waist.”
    a huge waste
  • “I started a nightclub for men with erectile dysfunction. It was a total flop… and nobody came.”
  • “I tripped in France. Eiffel over.”
  • “I walked into a pub with my wife. The landlord said: Would you like a beer for your wife? I said: That sounds like a fair swap.”
  • “I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: ‘I want you to try to sell this to me.’ So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually, he called me and said: ‘Bring my laptop back now.’ I said: ‘200 dollars and it’s yours.'”
  • “I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies… Is this a trick question?”
  • “I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and late for work. I thought, ‘I don’t have time for this shit.”
  • “I went to the local video shop and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever. They said no, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow.”
  • “I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet? I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don’t know either.”
  • “I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs. It’s a step by step guide.”
  • (R) “I wrote a song about a sandwich. Well, it’s more of a wrap really.”
  • “It’s been months since I ordered the book ‘How To Scam People Online’… It still hasn’t arrived yet.”
  • (R) “I’m a social vegan… I’m avoiding meets.”
    avoiding meats
  • “I’m not saying I’m attractive, but when I take my clothes off in the bathroom. I turn the shower on.”
  • (R) “I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy. I just handed in my too weak notice.”
  • “I’ve once fooled an entire class filled with future Doctors, Lawyers, and scientists… it wasn’t that difficult, they were all in Kindergarten.”
  • “I’ve opened a restaurant called ‘Peace and Quiet.’ Kids meals only 150 dollars.”
  • “I ran into my friend Mark who stole my dictionary. I said, ‘Mark, my words!’
  • “I saw a neighbour talking to her cat today, it was hilarious that she thought her cat could understand her. I went home and told my dog.”
  • “I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. She asked me… ‘How do you know it was on its way to work?'”
  • “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.”
  • “I took my 8-year old daughter to the office on ‘Take Your Kid to Work Day’. But when we walked into the office she started to cry.
    As concerned staff gathered around I asked her what was wrong and she said: ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?'”
  • “I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. Apparently, I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.”
  • “I was in a taxi today and the driver said, ‘I love my job. I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.’ Then I said: ‘Turn left here.'”
  • “I went for an interview for a job today and the manager said, ‘We are looking for someone who’s responsible.’ ‘Well, I’m your man.’ I replied, ‘In my last job, whenever things went south, they said I was responsible.”
  • “I went to a psychic. I knocked on her front door. She yelled: ‘Who is it?’. So I left.”
  • “If a woman says she will be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.
    No need to remind her every half hour.”
  • (R) “If Jada Smith doesn’t like jokes about alopecia then that’s hair loss.”
  • “If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?”
  • “If you buy all the soaps to stock up, do you realize that to protect yourself from the virus other people also need to wash their hands?”
  • “In Greek mythology, Chiron is a half-man half-horse who had great knowledge of medicine and health. So he’s a centaur of disease control.”
  • “In the old days, excessive use of commas was considered to be a serious crime. It usually resulted in a long sentence.”
  • “In the past, the poor had horses, and the rich had cars. Now the poor have cars and only the rich have horses. How the stables have turned.”
  • “I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the earth to prove wrong. I’m sure he’ll come around, eventually.”
  • “I invented a car that moves only when the driver is silent… It goes without saying.”
  • “I sent my hearing aid for repair two weeks ago. Haven’t heard anything since.”
  • “It’s my wife’s birthday next week and she’s been leaving jewellery catalogues all over our house. So I got her a magazine rack.”
  • “I used to be a flat earther. I even set out to sail across the ocean to find the big ice wall. But eventually, I came around.”
  • “I was caught stealing a rainbow once. Ended up getting thrown in prism.”
  • “I was disgruntled at first when the waitress told she had forgotten my order of pigs in a blanket… Until she told me she was suffering from hamnesia.”
  • “I went to a bookstore and saw a book titled “How to solve 50% of your problems”. I bought two.”
  • “I work in the drilling industry… it’s mainly boring.”
  • (R) “Let’s eat grandpa. Let’s eat, grandpa. Correct pronunciation can save a person’s life.”
  • “Justin Bieber says: ‘I am 25 and I already have millions of fans.’
    Tom (from Tom & Jerry cartoon) says: ‘Oh please, I have billions of fans and I don’t even exist.'”
  • “Justin Timberlake announced that he will be joining the war efforts in Ukraine. It’s reported he will be stationed somewhere along the Crimea River.”
  • “Light travels faster than sound… That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
  • “Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.
    Cop: You ARE the lawyer.
    Lawyer: So where’s my present?”
  • “My biggest talent is always being able to tell what’s in a wrapped present. It’s a gift!”
  • “My boss calls me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.”
  • “My coworkers laugh at my jokes in in-person meetings, never in online meetings. When I asked them why they said that my jokes weren’t remotely funny.”
  • “My doctor told me I’m going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.”
  • “My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can’t say the word, please. Which I think is poor for four.”
  • (R) “My 6-year-old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill. Looks like she’s preparing some kind of barbie queue.”
  • “My favourite childhood memory is building sandcastles with my grandfather. Until my mother took the urn from me.”

(R) “My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backwards. I said: y not?”

  • “My friend claims that he ‘accidentally’ glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him. But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.”
  • “My friend decides to become an archaeologist… now his life is in ruins.”
  • (R) “My friend got fired from his cow milking job because of his erratic behaviour. He was a danger to himself and udders.”
  • “My friend has designed an invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.”
  • “My friend keeps saying ‘cheer up mate, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water!’ I know he means well.”
  • “My friend lost his car. I call him Carlos.”
  • “My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter. I have some breaking news for her.”

“My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.”

  • “My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed. I told her it’s unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.”
  • “My son asked me, ‘Dad, can we watch Spider-Man – Far from home tonight?’ I said, ‘Why? It is the same movie if you watch it nearby.”
  • “My son, Luke, loves how I named our kids after Star Wars characters… My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.”
  • “My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I asked him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.”
  • “My teenage son asked me, ‘Dad, when should I use a condom?’ I replied, ‘Every conceivable occasion.'”
  • “My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a 500,000 dollars vehicle and that I’m paid to travel. My dates are always upset when I tell them I’m a bus driver.”
  • “My twin brother called me from prison. He said: You know how we finish each other’s sentences?”
  • “My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.”
  • “My wife asked me “is it just me or is the cat getting fat?” Apparantly “no it’s just you” wasn’t the right answer.”
  • “My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl. I said no, I didn’t know he could.”
  • “My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can’t read anything.”

“My wife asked me: ‘What starts with F and ends in K.’ I said: ‘No, it doesn’t.’

  • “My wife asked me why I wanted to be cremated. I told her it’s because it is my last hope for a smoking hot body.”
  • “My wife begged me to stop making police-related puns. I said, ‘OK. I’ll give it arrest.”
  • “My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy. I just don’t see it.”
  • “My wife has just phoned me to say that 3 girls in her office have received flowers and they are absolutely gorgeous. I said, ‘That’s probably why.'”
  • “My wife is leaving me due to my obsession with Star Wars. I told her, ‘May divorce be with you.'”
  • “My wife left a note on the fridge: this is not working, I’m going to my mum’s house. I opened the fridge door, the light was on, the juice was cold. What the hell did she mean?”
  • “My wife is super upset at our neighbour who happens to enjoy suntanning in her backyard naked. Personally, though, I’m on the fence.”
  • “My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor. More on this after the break.”
  • “My wife left me because of my gambling addiction. But I know I can win her back.”
  • “My wife says she’s divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas. But will she leave me? Find out next week.”
  • (R) “My wife suggested we grab the oars and take the canoe down to the lake for sunset on Valentines. I said, ‘How row-mantic.”
  • “My wife tells me I have two major faults. I don’t listen – and something else.”
  • “My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy. At least that’s what she said in her diary.”
  • “My wife thinks it’s weird that I stare at the window during a heavy rainstorm. It would be a lot less weird if she’d just let me in.”
  • “My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it… So I did. We had a few drinks, pretty cool guy, said he works as a web developer.”
  • “My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.”
  • “My wife yelled at me ‘are you even listening to me’. I said that’s a funny way to start a conversation.”
  • “Normally I cough to hide my fart, but now I do the opposite.”
  • “Not to brag about my finances or anything, but… My credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me that my balance is outstanding!”
  • “Not to brag, but I just got a job as a fitness model… they hired me as the ‘before’ picture.”
  • “People keep saying that needles are scary… Guess they have a point!”
  • “Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, ‘How do you know I’m not a serial killer?’
    I replied, ‘The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.'”
  • “Police have arrested the World Tongue Twister champion. They said he will be given a tough sentence.”
  • “Received a text from the wife saying she was breaking up with me. Imagine how relieved I was when a couple of minutes later she texted ‘sorry wrong number'”
  • “Remember to poop before midnight tomorrow. You don’t want to be carrying the same shit into the next year.”
  • “Sarcasm doesn’t get you anywhere. Me: well it got me to the finals of the Sarcasm World Championships in Peru in ’98. ‘Really?’ Me: No!”
  • “Since Earth is 3rd from the Sun… Does that mean all our problems are 3rd world problems?”
  • “Somebody should market a beer called ‘Occasionally’. So when asked, I can say, ‘I only drink occasionally”.
  • (R) “Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water. I was like well damn”.
  • “Someone tried to sell me a coffin today. I said: That’s the last thing I need.”
  • “Tablets were replaced by scrolls. Scrolls were replaced by books. Now we scroll through books on tablets.”
  • “Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms? Patient: I can’t say I do. Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.”
  • “The adjective for metal is metallic. But not so for iron… which is ironic.”
  • (R) “The Egyptians claim there are no crocodiles in their country. I think they’re in de Nile.”
  • “The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.”
  • “The internet connection at my farm was terribly slow, so I moved my modem to the barn… Now I have stable WiFi.”
  • “The Lord said to John, ‘come forth and you shall receive eternal life’ But John came fifth and received a toaster.”
  • “The past, present, and the future walk into a bar… It was tense.”
  • “The people thought that in 2020 we will have flying cars. No, we are teaching people how to wash their hands.”
  • “There are four stages of life and they all involve Santa:
    1. You believe in Santa.
    2. You don’t believe in Santa.
    3. You are Santa.
    4. You look like Santa.”
  • (R) “There can be 100 people in a room. And 99 won’t slap you, but one Will.”
  • “Thieves have stolen 20 crates of Red Bull from my local supermarket. I don’t know how these people sleep at night.”
  • “Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.”
  • “This is pilot speaking. I’m working from home because of COVID-19 pandemic.”
  • “Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.”
  • “Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator. I was wrong on so many levels.”
  • “Tomorrow my son and I are getting new glasses. And after that? We’ll see.”
  • “To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.”
  • “Two guys are playing chess. One says to the other, ‘How about we make this more interesting?’ So they stop playing chess.”
  • (R) “Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber ‘is this whiskey?’ The other says ‘yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank’.”
  • “Two trees got arrested in the town I live… Heard they’ve been doing some shady business.”
  • “Volodymyr Zelenskyy is a backwards politician. Most act like heroes to get elected and become comedians while in office.”
  • “Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?
    Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?”
  • “What are windmills’ favourite genre of music? They’re big metal fans.”
  • (R) “What colour is the wind? Blew.”
  • “What do conspiracy theorists and Excel have in common? They spreadsheet.”
  • (R) “What do you get if you crossbreed a dinosaur with a lemon? A dinosour.”
  • (R) “What did 50 Cent do when he was hungry? 58.”
  • “What did Adam say the day before Christmas? ‘It’s Christmas, Eve!'”
  • “What did the bra say to the hat?
    You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.”
  • “What did the carpenter say when he finished building his house? Nailed it.”
  • (R) “What did the cop say to the man peeing in public? Urine trouble!”
  • “What did the hat say to the scarf?
    You hang around. I’ll go on ahead.”
  • (R) “What did the person who invented knock-knock jokes win? A no-bell prize!”
  • (R) “What do you call a blind reindeer? I have no eye deer.”
  • “What do you call a cop in bed? An under-cover cop.”
  • (R) “What do you call a cute door? Adoorable.”
  • (R) “What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally? Sheer Luck Holmes.
  • “What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.”
  • (R) “What do you call a fat psychic? A 4 chin teller.”
  • “What do you call a knight made of fine china? Sir ramic.”
  • (R) “What do you call a lost wolf? A Where-Wolf.”
  • “What do you call a man in debt? Owen.”
  • “What do you call a penny under a microscope? Magnificent.”
  • “What do you call a plant-eating Viking? A Norvegan”
  • (R) “What do you call a pony with a sore throat? ‘A little hoarse'”.
  • “What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.”
  • “What do you call a sick eagle? Illegal.”
  • “What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.”
  • “What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.”
  • “What do you call a very small valentine? A valentiny.”
  • “What do you call a zombie who doesn’t joke around? Dead serious.”
  • “What do you do? I race cars. Do you win many races? No, the cars are much faster.”
  • “What do you get when a 50 ton duck stomps on the ground? An earthquack.”
  • “What does ‘idk’ stand for? I’ve asked lots of people but nobody seems to know.”
  • “What goes ‘Oh, Oh, Oh’? Santa walking backwards!”
  • (R) “What happens if someone slaps you at a high frequency? It Hertz.”
  • “What happens when you hit Dwayne Johnsons butt? You hit Rock bottom.”
  • “What happens when you put Nutella on salmon? You get salmonella.”
  • “What happens when you put your hand in a blender? You get a handshake.”
  • “What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.”
  • “What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.”
  • “What is the difference between a Santa and a knight? One slays the dragon, the other drags the sleigh.”
  • “What is the scariest tree? BamBOO!”
  • (R) “What kind of cake is never on time? ChocoLATE.
  • “What kind of photos do elves take? Elfies!”
  • “What monster loves April Fool’s day the most? Prankenstein.”
  • (R) “What should you do if you are addicted to sea weed? Sea kelp.”
  • “What smells better than it tastes? A nose.”
  • (R) “What time do people usually wake up with toothache? Tooth hurty (2.30)”
  • “What type of hat does a camera wear? Lens cap.”
  • “What was Yogi bear looking for in the picnic basket? Just the ‘Bear’ necessities.”
  • “What word starts with E and ends with E but only has one letter in it? Envelope.”
  • “What’s the difference between a man wearing pyjamas on a bicycle on his way to work and a guy wearing a tuxedo on a unicycle on his way to work?
  • “What’s the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer? One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by a lack of RAM.”
  • “What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.”
  • “What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.”
  • “What’s the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday? Forget it once.”
  • (R) “What’s the opposite of ladyfingers? Mentos.”
  • “What’s worse than seeing a worm after biting an apple?
    Seeing half a worm.”
  • “When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof…. I was shocked!”
  • “When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, ‘Ha! That’s not going to help!’ I replied, ‘Sure, it does. It’s the only way I can see the numbers.'”
  • “When you die, people cry and beg for you to come back. But, when you do, they’re all running and screaming.”
  • “When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey. You know she’s a keeper.”
  • (R) “Where do bad rainbows go? Prism, but it’s a light sentence.
  • “Where do polar bears keep their money? In a snow bank.”
  • “Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.”
  • (R) “While out on the farm, I hear a lot of jokes about sheep. I told them to the dog, but he’d herd them all!”
  • (R) “Why aren’t koalas actually bears? Because they don’t meet the koalafications.”
  • “Why did the spoon come to the party dressed as a knife? The invitation said to look sharp.”
  • (R) “Why do nine ants live in an apartment for free? Because they’re not tenants.”
  • “Why do polar bears only live at the north pole? Because if they also lived at the south pole, they would be bipolar bears.”
  • “Why is a stuck elevator better than a bad relationship? It’s never gonna let you down.”
  • “Why is it called Almond Milk? Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.”
  • “Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.”
  • “Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.”
  • “Why did the gambler buy a cattle ranch? Because he wanted to raise the steaks.”
  • (R) “Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication? For hispanic attacks.”
  • “Why didn’t a spider go to school? Because he learned everything on the web.”
  • “Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.”
  • “Why don’t anteaters get sick? Because they’re full of anty bodies.”
  • “Why don’t people like hearing jokes about popcorn? They’re too corny.”
  • “Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
    Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!”
  • (R) “Why isn’t dark spelled with a c? Because you can’t C in the dark.”
  • (R) “Why was 69 afraid of 70? Because they had a fight and 71.”
  • “Why was the pig covered in ink? Because it lived in a pen.”
  • “Woman goes to the butchers, ‘I’d like an oxtail please.’ ‘Certainly’, replies the butcher. ‘Once upon a time, there was an ox…'”
  • “You can’t plant flowers… if you haven’t botany.”
  • “Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing, I said to my wife. She replied, ‘Wear your own then.'”
  • “You think gas prices are expensive, have you seen Chimneys? They’re through the roof.”